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I was out on a dock the other day fishing with several locals on the shore of Coronado, under the shadows of the various high-rises that project from its rim. The dock was quiet until one of the fishermen either stepped on a loose floorboard or let out one of the funniest displays of flatulence I have heard this side of the equator. We all laughed and I noted that farting—along with getting hit in the groin—is one of the few things that's universally funny. Laughing too was an American, a man with high socks and a Hawaiian shirt who had snuck up on the pier behind us—the laughing his segue into the following question:

“Hey, do any of ya'll know anyone who'll sell me a beachfront house ‘round here? I'll pay ‘em...” He then he paused for a second, as if deciding how much he'd be willing to offer. “I'll give ‘em fifty grand.”

We looked at the man in a strange way, the kind of way you might look at someone if they told you they eat bolts. In addition to his inappropriate question, his mustache appeared to have been drawn on with the dying tip of a Sharpie marker. His black hair was slicked back with what appeared to be some sort of beauty tar.

“You know? Thousands of dollars. Dinero!” he clarified, this while pulling out a wad of cash and flipping through several twenty dollar bills as if to show us exactly what he meant by fifty grand. I'm not sure which I'm more proud of: the fact that I came across to the man as a local fisherman or that I didn't take the bagel I was eating and chuck it at the fanny pack guarding his family jewels.

We get a lot of real estate inquiries on this site which tell the whole story: submitted forms, one after another, asking for beachfront lots, beautiful new homes, or my personal favorite, entire islands. A lot of these people though, aren't willing to spend any more than a Honda. One inquiry was so fanciful and outlandish that I wanted to share it with you:

“Dear Matt, The Panama Report site is simply the best and most honest travel and real estate site on the web. I am looking for an oceanfront farm or large acreage with white sand beaches and preferably an old hotel already built so I can refurbish it with Panama labor and materials. It needs to have electricity, paved roads, and be close to civilization (shopping malls, grocery stores).” (The last line, which was in capitals, was something that made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.) “WILL SPEND NO MORE THAN $80K.”

If it wasn't for the first part about how great our site was, I would have sent him a link to www.go-diddle-yourself.com but in mercy I left the request at large. This is the kind of guy who, along with a ton of others like him, sip their morning coffee from mugs with the seals of bargain hunters. Many of these misers want to stay in the nicest hotels and use the fastest modes of transportation, however they aren't willing to spend money. With more and more of these people coming in, stiffing the staff for carrying their oversized suitcases and expecting to find themselves a royal investment using the funds of a pauper, I have to ask myself at what point is enough, enough? The isthmus of Panama is far too big to be considered an insane asylum.

I understand that most rich people didn't get that way by exorbitantly spending money. I understand that everything tastes better and feels better when you pay only a portion of its true value. And I understand that a lot of these people have saved up all their lives to retire, but to me, they're completely unrealistic about how far their dollars can go. Panama is cheap, but it's not Candyland. Yes it's great to buy $.25 cent beers at the beach but trying to find a 4-bedroom beach house for $10,000? Christ on a cracker, you're goin' overboard.

You can imagine how frustrating it is to get hundreds of inquiries from people who want diamonds for dollars. Hundreds of weasely bumpkins who want penthouses for pennies. I can't think of too many more alliterative phrases, but you get the idea. They're extreme bargain hunters, the same kind of people you find secretly denting cans at the grocery store to get the fifty cents off. The same ones that make sure you pack enough meat onto their sandwich. Handling these inquiries over the past few months, I've nearly run my computer into decrepitude trying to put them in touch with someone, anyone I know in real estate who might be able to humor them in this request, thus keeping their dream alive.

This is not the same Panama of fifteen years ago. Prices and ideas have appreciated faster than perhaps any country in this region, by far exceeding the speed in Costa Rica. Condo values in Coronado alone have risen like earplug stock at a firing range and it's not long before land, in even the most remote spots of the country, will go up as well. I'm sure that with the New Year will come a whole new wave, a new bevy if you will, of tire-kicking vacationers who, after seeing several ABC News specials detailing the low cost of living in Panama, have booked their tickets in search of their dream investment. That property, whether it's an oceanfront condo or a mountain-perched home, large acreage on which to develop or a hidden rainforest sanctuary on which to retire, is entirely feasible in Panama. Don't get me wrong, Panama is a hotbed for investment, but as Yogi Berra once said, “the future ain't what it used to be”.

Comments (9)

Dee Walker: Retiree You are one of the cleverest writers since Erma Bombeck--meant as a high compliment. But recently I read a report by you about cheapskates coming down to Panama looking for a bargain. (I don't remember the date of the article to reference to.) But I want to tell you that you hurt my feelins 'cause I also am one of those cheap folks who thought that the obviously out-dated hype about Panama was gospel. I even said to myself, "self, there just may be a place where we can afford to live!" (split personalities can be such a bother.) But "low and bee hold," t'ain't so, I reckon. I am a very unsmart female American retired English teacher, novelist, and editor. But an extra dime? nope. So when I began to read about Panama, well, I got all elated. "There just may be a place," me and myself yelled simultaneously, "where we can live in the cool mountains, survive on our retirement income, maybe write a bit, catch some fiction to edit on the net, volunteer to teach English to! some poor kids--as well as learn from them, and live happily--reasonably so--til ever after." In the USA, my retirement income is getting less as the cost of living is leaping higher than I can reach; not one person has responded to my web page re fiction editing; and school districts can get two just-outa-college kids for the price of one old-timer like me. So things being the way they are, Panama seemed a dream that could be the answer. This sounds soppy, but dreams are like clouds--no silver lining and they rain on you. But Walmart always needs a greeter... Thank you for alerting all us cheapskates to the truth. And thank you for your clever writing. 1 May 22, 2007 YeahDogg: ... Hey Matt...Nice article... lots of good information..... However, I got just one question..... How is getting kicked in the nuts universally funny?..... I have never thought that was funny... I don't know any male that thinks that its funny...... Its been many, many, many, years since Ive been kicked in the nuts (Thank you Jesus)..... Nevertheless, it was not funny!!.... So like i'm wondering, is it a south or central American thing, to find such a painful act humorous?... do folks there go around kicking each other in the testicles for yucks?... I just wanna know cause that might be incentive to skip my little Panamanian experience...or at least wear a cup most of the time I'm there.... YeahDogg 2 May 25, 2007 Bud in Boquete: Times are a changin' Yep, things just ain't what they used to be, we live in a rapidly changing world. Beside the increasing costs of housing and day-to-day living in Panama, there is also the issue of declining services and infrastructure. Panama is not culturally designed to jump on the bandwagon and give us gringos all the things that we are demanding. So along with the increase in prices also comes a lower quality of life, in my opinion. At least that's what I'm seeing here in Boquete after three years of residence. Local residents say that 15 years ago there were more horses than cars on the streets here. Now there are daily traffic jams of shiny new asian SUV's. Don't get me wrong, I love this place and can't think of anywhere I would rather live (that I can afford, that is). But newcomers need to look around at the reality of the situation here and not simply believe what the promoters are telling them. Thanks for providing this forum. 3 May 25, 2007 Mateo: regarding the nuts comment I find that getting hit in the groin is most funny when it's at the expense of someone else. They have shows like America's Funniest Home Videos that are based solely around this type of humor. Tell me you don't get a good laugh when your buddy get's nailed in the jewels with a baseball? I bet you played 'cup-check' in college too no? 4 May 25, 2007 Mikeb: Local Artisans... You guys must have a blast writing the stuff abt Panama. I have enjoyed reading many of the articles. Panama is a stand up comics dream come true. People always think you are making it up!! It is as if you have entered the twilight zone--or maybe just another planet where there are people who look like us (but their job in life is to frustrate and foster patience in gringos). I now understand how Roberto Duran could utter those famous words--"no mas'! Being Panamanian, he figured they could just come back tomorrow or the next day or the next day and finish this thing up. "Hey, whats the big deal--why is everybody going home??!!" Ok, I digress. I was scouring your site looking for maybe some local artisans to work on the remodel project i will start soon on my condo. I believe I have people located to help me with this--but I have been unable to find anyone who does "faux painting" techniques on walls. I have a general labor sort who will put down base coats of paint--but I need a person with the faux paint experience to put the finish coats on. If you or anybody on your staff could help me with an intro for this job--i would sure appreciate it. As an aside, it would be a nice feature of your site for you to write up your adventures with local workers/artisans etc.. I have talked with many ex-pats who complain all the time that they can not find any body to do ......... Well, you know! Gracias in advance 5 June 09, 2007 Don King: Hello Matt from Don King Hola Matt, We spoke some time ago about posting our real estate company on your company web site. The posting didn't happen, but you did write and article about me and the work I do here in Bocas. If you remember, I have a small non-profit organization and we have founded and funded a Ngobe Indian school for over one year now. I wanted to thank you for that article. Someone from Continental Air magazine read it and wanted to do a small piece on my work here. American Airlines got hold of it and has done another article in this month's AmericanWay issue. This lead to a science magazine asking for an interveiw and another article. And even a small part in a documentary on chenges due to development in Panama. I want to thank you for the small chain you began, which is leading to interest in my projects here for cultural preservation and ecological conservation. I have people interested in volunteering to help due to exposure in those articles. I was just contacted by two persons offering provide some free dental services here in the Indian village. Foreigners in paradise can be a positive thing if they are ready for a different life-style, and they come with the desire to share and not conquer. This is not Hawaii, but then again it doesn't have Hawaiian prices either. I would really like to talk with you sometime. Please give me a call. Sincerely, Don King 6 July 07, 2007 Mateo: hilarious call.. Just recently I got a call from a woman from Canada who falls right into this boat of, "listen, if you can't make ends meet in your home country, you probably can't do it in Panama either." I believe one of the lines was "I want to live in an expat community for a few months, but I can't afford to pay these high prices like $50/night in a hotel!" Lady, what do you want from me? Or Panama? Is it cheap? Yes. But it's not for the retiree who has ZERO money: It's not CandyLand. 7 November 06, 2007 bill: ... I guess pointing out other peoples faults makes you feel better about your own or something, this blog just seems to be nothing but negative. Smile for once, you may like it. 8 November 26, 2007 Frank: That's it. I'm going to Colombia! Hope there's a place for me there, cause you just shat all over my Panamanian dream of cushy retirement on a pauper's pension. 9 January 25, 2008

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