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| Corruption - Panama's Police Bribed |
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| Written by Contributing Reader | |
| Friday, November 21 2008 | |
 Money talks in this country, and cops are always looking for a little extra cheddar. But unless you handle it correctly, they'll end up writing you a ticket that will cost you at least half a day to pay, even if it's only the $60.00 infraction for talking on the cell phone. Let's be honest here. When you are deep in the interior of the country, driving along the highway minding your own damn business, and you see a cop on the side of the road with a radar detector, if you are human you'll naturally glance down at the odometer and check to see how fast you are going. Funny thing is, this guy is already waving you down, and attempting to pull you over from the side of the road. Odds are he probably doesn't even have batteries in his damn radar gun, but he's still in uniform and therefore may have other compadres up the road that are ready to bolt after your car if you pass this look out guy. So you pull over and wait patiently as Officer Mendoza struts up to your car, ticket book in hand. Of course he has a mustache, of course his pants are too tight, but either way he's in the power position and he's leading the dance. Follow like a well educated society lady at the ball: he will twirl you and dip you and show all of the moves he has, but when he comes in for the kiss-close, turn your cheek. Don't be an easy hussy, and don't leave with a ticket! Here's how it goes: " Buenas dias, hablas Espanol "? The correct answer is NO. You may be fluent. You may have studied Spanish Literature at the University of Madrid and pride yourself on your accent-less Spanish, but now is the time to turn into Super Gringo. You speak absolutely no Spanish, with the exception of the phrase " No Senyor, kay es problemo " ? He'll start talking in Spanish, so throw on your most bewildered expression. Once he rambles on for a bit, he'll eventually ask you for your ID ( which we all know is your " cedula " ), but if you register recognition at this word " cedula " you just showed your hand. Let the man pantomime, kind of like roadside charades. Eventually he'll indicate so clearly that he wants to see ID, you'll have to indulge and pass the man your ID. Now comes the tricky part, because it all depends on the infraction that you may or may not have committed. If you were clearly going twice the legal speed limit, then you may want to just pay the man and be done with it. A good metric is to include $.50 for every KM you were going over. 10KM above what is supposedly the legal speed limit? Fold up a $5.00 bill and put it in with your passport. That should have you off and running in no time flat. If the guy is just stopping you because he knows you've got some money in your pocket, start low. Usually, he'll show you the list of infractions and the cost of the ticket. ( which they all carry- I think they get it on the first day of officer training school ). He'll point to the infraction and explain to you that this is what you'll have to pay at the municipio. One method I've used for particularly horrific infraction(s) is ask if you can pay now. Remember, it's not " seria possible a pagar ahora " , It's " pago ahora? ". Remember, you no speaka the Espanish. An example: Leaving Price mart on Via Brazil in Panama City one rainy Saturday, I went out the wrong exit and realized that I would have to cross over Via Espana, make a U, and come back in order to go left. While 1) speaking on my cellphone, I 2) hauled ass up Via Brazil and proceeded to make 3) an illegal U turn on double yellow lines across traffic and pull into a 4) one way street and make a quick right thinking that I had just beat the system whilst speaking to my lovely little Panamanian girlfriend. Lo and behold, two of Panama City's finest were literally sitting in the alley and had watched the ENTIRE CHAIN OF EVENTS. I hung up the phone. As we all know, most traffic laws are really only suggestions in Panama. For the most part, I try to drive very safely, especially when I have clients in the car. However, sometimes we make exceptions for special situations, and in this case I had ice cream in the car which justifies breaking any and all traffic rules. This heat is fatal, people! If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? The sound these police officers were making was something similar to a gurgling. Not outright, haha funny laughter, more like the sound you make when you rake in the pile of chips in the last round of a texas holdem poker match. Dumb, rich gringo. Either he's going to jail or daddy's getting new shoes. In these situations, Spanish becomes an essential part of avoiding having your car impounded and staying out of jail, because in Roman law, you are guilty until proven innocent. As far as we were all concerned, I was pretty damned guilty. First step: test the waters. I always let them speak first to find out what they have against you. In this case, I was pretty much screwed... These kind gentlemen were prepared with their list and proceeded to tally the amount of tickets I would be getting. Not could be getting, would be getting. I suggested that I could pay the fine here, with them, in order to keep from going to Pedregal, which is pretty much the closest town to the Darien Jungle and happens to be the ONE PLACE in Panama City where you have to pay your tickets. It is at least a one hour drive from anywhere in the city, regardless of where you start. Paying the fine right now was not an option unfortunately, because I did not have $750.00 cash on me. I pulled out my first ace in the hole, which was my business card. Remember, cards, uniforms, and secret handshakes are taken very seriously here, so if you can break out any of these three, you get a bit of credibility as being a real "someone". It doesn't have to be your business card, and the more colors the better. Anyway, " Yo soy un corredor de bienes raices. " Hot damn, they just ran into the most successful real estate salesman in Panama and if their aunt was sitting on some mosquito infested, untitled piece of property in the middle of nowhere by God I would help her rip off a fellow gringo to help her make her small fortune! ". It would be the least I could do. Here, take it. Let me write my cell phone on the back of the card if you need ANYTHING ( cualquier cosa ). This doesn't get you completely out of the hole, it just builds a rapport. It tells a story. Tell YOUR story, or ask lots of questions, like " what part of Panama are you from " or " do you speak English " or even " have you tried the Chicheme back there? It's awesome!" Anyway, so here I am...with what amounts to be $750.00 worth of potential infractions and the very real possibility of having my new car impounded. Can I just pay you now? No, no. We are not those kind of officers. We cannot do that. We have families. Well then please, let me give you something for your family. ( if they don't mention " family " , they'll give some excuse. Tell them you want to pay them for their time, for doing a job well done, for keeping OUR streets safe from dumb gringos like ME ). At this point, the MORE slang, the better. Anything that will make these guys smile. Chucha Madre is a good one ( not for the faint of heart, and quite vulgar but effective in that it shows you're " down " with the local way of saying " dammmmmmmmnnnnn! "I just screwed up big time and my old lady is going to kick my ass if I spend all this money paying for some stupid ticket ". All that in two words! Anyway, long story short we agreed that I was going to be able to give these guys some money. Problem being is that I literally only had $9.00 in my pocket, which ordinarily would have been MORE than enough to cover at least two of the infractions. However, there were two cops, and I really screwed up, like, big time. Anyway, I told them hold tight. I had to go to the ATM. Why? To get them their bribe! We all knew it, but we also knew it was going to be nowhere near the $750.00 that was the current ante. So I went to the gas station and pulled out $100.00. Then I bought a pack of gum and asked for all $1s back. I walked back to my car, and somehow there magically appeared a very opportunistic third cop. I discreetly put a few more ones in the roll, making sure to keep the $5.00 bill on the top. The main cop and I went over to the corner, I handed him the wad and got back in my car without saying anything. And drove off with a $16.00 pack of gum. Editor's Note: We don't usually post random articles that are sent in to the site, but this one gave us a chuckle. The author wishes to have their name left anonymous, but he/she clearly knows their bribing down pat! Image: www.steinski.com/images/thumb_b/379blog_bribe000.jpg |
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